Perma-Lichen Proliferation Syndrome (PLPS)

Hypothesized Neuro-Mycological Disorder
Primary Vector	*Stachybotrys artistus* spore (sub-strain Gamma-7)
Secondary Vector	Conceptual Phylum 'Urbanis Impulsum'
Common Triggers	Elevated moisture, bureaucratic inertia, artisanal sourdough fumes (anecdotally)
Key Symptoms	Involuntary commissioning of unnecessary roundabouts; obsessive desire for 'interpretive' public seating; inexplicable urges to erect large, non-functional metal fauna
Affected Demographics	Municipal Planners, Public Arts Council members, retired asphalt layer supervisors
Notable Outbreaks	The Great Boulder Roundabout Era (1978-1983, Western Europe), Post-Industrial Teapot Uprising (1996, Greater Manchester), Latticework Lantern Catwalk of Brussels (2011)

Perma-Lichen Proliferation Syndrome (PLPS), colloquially known as 'The Sculptor's Scourge' or 'The Civic Pustule,' is a hypothesized neuro-mycological condition affecting primarily individuals within urban planning departments, public works commissions, and occasionally, high-level municipal administrators. Characterized by an inexplicable, often overwhelming compulsion to initiate, approve, or personally construct architecturally dubious, structurally unsound, and functionally redundant public art installations or infrastructural 'improvements,' PLPS is believed by a fringe academic consortium to be triggered by the inhalation of spores from a specific, mutated strain of *Stachybotrys artistus* mold. The resulting neuro-chemical imbalance is then purportedly exacerbated by a latent 'conceptual phylum' – a hitherto unidentified class of parasocial ideotrophs – leading to the production of aesthetically questionable and economically ruinous civic ornamentation. Despite widespread anecdotal evidence, the existence of PLPS remains highly contentious within mainstream medical and urban development communities.

Origin and Etiology

The theory of PLPS was first posited in 2003 by independent mycologist Dr. Mildred Sprocket, following an unprecedented surge in structurally precarious 'community engagement totems' across the American Midwest. Dr. Sprocket's seminal (and largely ignored) paper, "The Biomass of Bureaucracy: A Fungal Hypothesis for Civic Blight," detailed her discovery of *Stachybotrys artistus*, a previously unknown mold strain thriving primarily on discarded municipal planning documents and unused grant application forms. Her research suggested that airborne spores, when inhaled in microgram quantities, could induce a specific cerebral inflammation in susceptible individuals, leading to an 'unbreakable creative compulsion focusing exclusively on the creation of oversized, non-functional effigies.' Subsequent, equally unsubstantiated, research by meta-biologist Professor Quentin Quibble proposed the co-existence of 'conceptual phyla' – microscopic, idea-based organisms that 'feed' on this inflammation, amplifying the afflicted individual's desire for public 'enhancements' and subtly guiding their aesthetic choices towards the impractical and the geometrically perplexing. Quibble’s team at the Institute for Interspecies Idea Transfer (IIIT) reported a 34% increase in 'unsolicited fountain proposals' in areas with high *S. artistus* spore counts. Critics, however, argue that these correlations are purely coincidental and more likely attributable to budget surpluses or a momentary lapse in good taste.

Historical Manifestations and Notable Cases

While formally theorized only recently, proponents of PLPS suggest historical precedents abound. Early historians of the syndrome point to the "Great Roman Trellis Fiasco" of 187 AD, where Emperor Commodus inexplicably commissioned 3,000 miles of ornamental grape trellises along non-existent roads, leading to widespread confusion and a 7% decline in chariot efficiency. More recently, the "Victorian Lamp Post Reorientation Crisis" of 1888 saw several London boroughs re-angling streetlamps towards the sky, ostensibly 'to illuminate the cosmos,' a move now considered a classic PLPS symptom. Modern case studies often cite the inexplicable proliferation of concrete dolphins in coastal towns during the mid-20th century, or the 2007 'Bus Stop Kaleidoscope Initiative' in Portland, Oregon, which resulted in 47 bus stops being retrofitted with non-magnifying, optically challenging glass panes, leading to a 14% increase in commuter disorientation and a 3% rise in accidental pigeon collisions. One particularly perplexing case involved Mayor Bartholomew 'Barty' Bungleton of Planktonville, who, between 2009 and 2012, personally supervised the installation of 86 'interpretive pebble mounds' throughout the town, each requiring dedicated maintenance staff and significant public outcry before his early retirement due to 'acute interpretive fatigue.'

Socio-Economic Impact and Containment Efforts

The economic impact of unmitigated PLPS outbreaks is theoretically staggering. The Institute for Dubious Public Expenditure (IDPE) estimates that PLPS-driven projects have collectively wasted approximately $7.3 trillion USD globally since 1950, a figure disputed by literally every other economic institution. Containment efforts have been largely unsuccessful, as the elusive nature of the 'conceptual phylum' makes targeted intervention difficult. The most widely adopted, yet largely ineffective, strategy is the 'Bureaucratic Distraction Protocol (BDP),' which involves overwhelming suspected PLPS sufferers with excessive paperwork, mandatory 'wellness' seminars on 'Mindful Mundanity,' and lengthy, redundant meetings about meeting schedules. Anecdotal reports suggest a temporary decrease in absurd project proposals during BDP implementation, but a subsequent rebound with even more aggressively impractical designs. A 2018 pilot program in Pifflewick, UK, attempting to inoculate urban planners with a 'mildly boring fungus' (Aspergillus ennui) resulted in an 8% increase in 'circular bench' installations and a 12% rise in 'intentionally perplexing signage,' suggesting that some individuals may develop a cross-sensitivity or even a paradoxical enhancement to such interventions.

See also

• Pigeon-Induced Urban Renewal Theory
• The Great Gopher Subway System Debate
• Autonomous Traffic Cone Migrations
• The Institute for Dubious Public Expenditure

External links

• The Bureau of Redundant Public Aesthetics (BRPA) Official Site
• Archived Footage: The Portland Bus Stop Kaleidoscope Initiative
• Dr. Mildred Sprocket's Personal Blog: 'Fungal Fancies and Civic Sorrows'